


Sold a Soul to the Calling

by stardustgirl



Series: The Twisting Morn [7]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: (the answer is yes), Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Fae, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Angst, Child Abuse, Dark Ezra Bridger, Dark Magic, Dysfunctional Family, Fae & Fairies, Fae Magic, Force Bond (Star Wars), Found Family Bingo, Heavy Angst, Horseback Riding, Horses, I talk a lot about medieval horses because what else am I supposed to talk about? Goats?, Identity Issues, Manipulation, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:27:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22853953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: Still reeling from his torture at the hands of the Empire, Ezra struggles in his newfound role as a member of the fledgeling rebellion.  But when the Empire continually remains one step ahead of them, the rebellion’s members are forced to face terrifying truths in order to keep their heads above the water.{Sequel to Kiss the Feet of a Charlatan}
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Ezra Bridger & Hera Syndulla, Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: The Twisting Morn [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513019
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32
Collections: Found Family Bingo





	1. Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Victim Blaming, Referenced Purposeful Starvation of a Child, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Victim Self-blaming, Referenced Murder, Referenced Sacrifice, Suicidal Ideations (not acted upon)

Ezra approaches the stallion, making a shooing motion. “Go. Scram.”

The horse, however, only snorts and tosses his head. He remains.

“I said _go!_ ” The horse still doesn’t move away, even when Ezra glares and takes a bigger step toward him. “Go away!”

“Kid?”

He turns at the call, face darkening as he catches sight of Sabine. “He won’t leave,” he says, gesturing to the dark stallion in frustration. “He’s been following us for two days now!”

“I thought you liked him.” She stops next to Ezra, holding out a hand toward the horse. He takes a step forward and sniffs it, nudging her with his nose until she pets him.

“I don’t. I don’t have a bridle for him, and he’s not the kind you can use a halter on.”

“Have you _tried?_ ”

“No.” He risks giving her a withering glance before sighing, his shoulders slumping. “I...I don’t know. I don’t really want to ride in general right now.”

“Why?”

  
“I just _don’t,_ okay?” He shakes his head in frustration, turning and stalking away. He can feel her gaze on him as he heads off to the edge of the campsite. At least a horse is _useful._

He finds the creek they’d purposely put the camp near, sitting on a rock jutting out over it and letting his feet fall into the chilled water. He shivers, biting his lip. _It’s just the cold. You’re fine with being cold._

_Cold hands skating across his shoulders, his stomach, one tangling in his hair as—_

He stands up abruptly, nearly slipping on the slick pebbles that make up the creekbed.

“Careful,” Kanan’s voice warns from behind him.

He doesn’t turn to look as the other faerie comes closer, stopping before the bank.

“You don’t want to slip and hit your head.”

_Maybe I do._

“Kid, if something’s wrong, we can talk,” Kanan says, almost as if reading his mind. Ezra just shakes his head mutely.

“No. I’m...I’m okay.”

Kanan’s silent, and when Ezra risks another glance back, the man’s examining a rock from the ground nearby. Ezra returns his gaze to the water.

“Is it about the person you mentioned when you first arrived?”

Ezra stiffens, suddenly unconscious of the freezing water running over and around his feet and ankles.

“You can talk to me about it, I promise. I won’t hold it against you. All of us here have killed people—well, most of us have.”

Kanan has, he can tell. Sabine probably has too. He hasn’t seen enough of Zeb to tell yet, and if Hera has, it hasn’t affected her the same way as the others. Or maybe she’s just desensitized to it now.

Instead of mentioning any of this, he quietly asks, “Do you remember the first time you touched iron?”

Kanan’s silent for a long time before answering. “Yes.”

The distant call of a songbird, floating above the tumbling sound of the water burbling in the stream, is the only sound now.

“And the last time?”

“The last time was when we rescued you. The first time we did.”

Right. The muzzle. He closes his eyes, trying not to remember Thrawn’s cold gaze from across the room as he had passively watched the guards put it on him as he screamed and sobbed until he couldn’t any more.

Instead, he remembers the feeling of her hands on his throat, pushing him against the floor—

“Ezra?”

He blinks, turning halfway again.

“You okay, kid?”

“Yeah.” The man nods.

“Kanan!”

Kanan turns at the call, rising and tossing the rock gently into the water. “Better go help Hera. We’ll need some help with packing tomorrow morning too, okay?”

“Sure.”

Kanan leaves Ezra to his thoughts.

_“I wouldn’t have to do this if you weren’t fae. But because you are, you belong with the rest of us in this purgatory.”_

He stoops, picking up the stone Kanan had tossed into the water from where it had landed by his foot only seconds before. Straightening, he examines it before pocketing it alongside the mark from Eli.

* * *

“We’ll need to get him some shoes at some point,” Kanan is saying when Ezra walks up. “I’d give him my other pair, except—”

“—except that you traded them to someone for _Phantom’s_ shoes. Really, I’m not sure why you didn’t keep them around, so we could use them when we really _need them_ like now.” Hera sighs, shaking her head and dark braids as she goes to sit next to Sabine. The younger girl is sharpening a knife, pausing to inspect it briefly before continuing as Hera sits.

Ezra approaches Zeb, having found that the hulking man doesn’t tend to ask as many questions as the others do. Zeb nods to the small spread of food on the blanket in the midst of the group. “You can eat if ya want, kid.”

Ezra nods in gratitude, reaching out to grab part of the loaf of bread before setting it back down. He shifts back, eating almost defensively the way he’d had to eat every time he and Kallus were out in the field. Kallus didn’t bother making sure he was fed after hunts; that was what returning to the castle in three days was for.

He finishes the bread quickly, settling in to watch and listen to the conversations around him. Sabine continues sharpening her knife as Kanan brings up another topic of conversation. “So where are we going from here?”

Hera shrugs, tossing one of her braids over her shoulder. “The Rebellion has yet to give me an answer.”

“And do you know when we’re getting one?” Sabine asks without looking up. Hera shakes her head.

“No.”

Signing, Kanan runs a hand over his face. “Well we need to find out. I don’t want to keep avoiding Imperial patrols here only to get the next mission and find out we have to be halfway across the Empire.”

“I’ll try,” Hera says. “But I can’t say for sure.”

“And we’re not asking you to,” Kanan responds.

Ezra doesn’t understand how Kanan can operate so closely with these humans without having insurance. They don’t seem to be blackmailing him, and neither does he seem to be blackmailing them.

It’s...an odd sort of balance. He’s not sure if he would like it himself. If he could _do_ it himself.

The conversation continues to ebb and flow late into the night, group members slowly drifting away until only Kanan and Ezra are left. The teen scratches at the ground with a stick, drawing nonsense patterns.

“You okay, kid?” Kanan asks.

“Sure,” he replies, defeated. “Am I allowed to go to sleep?”

“Yeah, of course, just find a spot—“

“Okay,” he cuts in before Kanan can continue. Ezra walks over to a large tree bordering the clearing, curling up against the trunk and hugging his knees tightly to his chest as he stares out into the dark.

He won’t be getting sleep, he knows.


	2. Outrunning Themselves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Referenced Character Death

Kallus scans the parchment before nodding, handing it back. “It’s accurate. I want it posted in every major town, and as many of the smaller villages as we can.”

“Of course, sir,” the soldier replies, running off to pass along his orders. The spymaster allows himself a small smile.

The Emperor will have Ezra in hand again in a few days, whether through Kallus’s own hand or by that of a faerie. Kallus himself, however, has a much stronger belief in his own abilities to apprehend the boy than those of one of the...fae.

There’s a rap on the door and a woman in the dark uniform of the Imperial fae walks in. _Speak of the devil._ He recognizes her as Ezra’s trainer; he still hasn’t quite pinned her given name down.

“Any leads?” he asks.

“None yet, but Trilla has been sent out as of this morning. She is eager to make up for her...mistake.”

“And you?”

The woman snorts, raising an eyebrow. “I’m looking.”

“I meant how you’re hoping to make amends. You, too, are at fault for the boy’s escape. And for the redhead’s death.”

Something flashes in her eyes, but it’s gone before he can place it. “ _Trilla_ is the primary one at fault, for allowing herself to be held at swordpoint by a mere _child._ But I am doing my part.”

 _It won’t be enough,_ he thinks. _If Ezra doesn’t want to be found by humans, we’ll_ need _fae hunters. And you just killed our second-best one._

“I want you looking out in the _field,_ ” he says instead. “Nose to the ground. We need everyone we can. If that boy decides to defect—”

“He won’t,” she says. “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

“Considering he ran off in the first place, I’m not entirely sure that he does,” Kallus says dryly. “But go. Help with the search beyond ordering others to search on your behalf. And maybe I’ll see to it that the Emperor spares your punishment.” Either way he won’t, and they both know it.

But she nods anyway.

“I’ll send word if I find a lead.”

“Don’t bother, I have business in the Mandalore province. Just track him down yourself. Use whatever tactics you deem necessary to bring him back alive.”

The faerie grins, glamour wavering enough that her fangs shine through. “I’d be glad to.”

* * *

Kanan shoots a glance back at the boy.

Ezra is quiet, but that’s nothing new. He doesn’t seem as...distant as he has in days past, which is good, he supposes. Though maybe being distant is how he copes. Kanan really _doesn’t_ know anything about his past, now that he thinks about it.

Kanan returns his gaze to the path ahead, though he knows Ghost is sure-footed enough to be able to pick her way along it without assistance. He doesn’t want to make the kid feel threatened, though. They’ve been having enough issues as it is just getting him to be able to _speak_ around them, and he doesn’t want to compound those with making the boy feel as if he’s constantly under guard.

 _He is,_ the part of Kanan he doesn’t like to acknowledge reminds him. _He worked for the Empire. For all you know, he’s leading you on._

No. Ezra isn’t, and he knows that. Right? Of course he knows that. Still, though….

 _Did he ever_ tell _you that straight up?_

No.

He didn’t.

Kanan sighs inwardly, running a tired hand over his face. He shouldn’t be doubting Ezra. The kid’s clearly scared, traumatized, running from the Empire just the same as the rest of them are.

_And what if he’s a spy?_

Kanan pushes the thought away. _Can’t you learn to just take things at face value for once?_

He knows the answer, of course: he can’t. Ever since Depa died, he’s been like this. Kasmir taught him that there were layers to people, and fae in particular. And Kanan can’t afford missing a layer. He can’t afford losing anyone else again.

Maybe that’s why he has them stop the next time the stream they’ve been following peeks back through the trees. Maybe that’s why he turns to Zeb, and makes a beckoning gesture.

“Kanan?” Sabine asks, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t we—“

“Yeah. I just...I have to ask Zeb something, that’s all.” Sabine’s eyebrow doesn’t go down, but she doesn’t say anything as Kanan walks Ghost off to the side of the path. As Zeb follows, Kanan turns back to call, “Keep going, we’ll catch up.” Hera nods, nudging Storm up to take the lead of the remainder of their group as Zeb slows Ryx.

“What is i’?” Zeb asks once they’re out of earshot. Kanan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. Now that they’re here, Kanan realizes just how insane this is. Of _course_ Ezra wouldn’t be a spy. Why would a faerie willingly work for the Empire?

 _You know just as well as anyone that he might not have been willing._ Kanan shuts that thought out and turns to Zeb.

“Ezra.” Zeb nods.

“What about ‘im?”

“You’ve spent the most time with him out of any of us. What’s your take on him?”

Zeb shrugs uncertainly, the man’s expression slowly becoming one of confusion. “I dunno, ‘e seems like a nice enough kid...doesn’ seem out to cause anyone any ‘arm. Jes’...nah, I dunno, I shouldn’ o’ said—”

“No, what were you gonna say? I won’t tell him.”

Zeb shrugs again. As he speaks, Kanan notices there’s now a thread of doubt in his words. “‘e jes’ seems like ‘e’s runnin’ from somethin’, the same as the rest of us. Sabine’s is ‘er mom, ‘era’s ‘er dad, I’m the war, an’ you’re the faerie laws. ‘e jes’ wants some peace, Kanan. Let ‘im ‘ave i’.”

Kanan nods. “You’re right, I...I guess...the war’s still catching up with me, too.” Ryx walks closer to Ghost as Zeb places a hand on Kanan’s shoulder.

“An’ i’ will. Th’ important thing is no’ t’ run e’ry time i’ does. We should go now, catch up with th’ others.” Kanan nods in agreement, turning Ghost back to the path as Zeb follows suit behind him.


	3. Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt fill for "Games" for Found Family Bingo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Victim Self-blaming

Ezra doesn’t dream of his months with Thrawn and Eli often, not anymore. Now, his sleeping hours are mostly consumed by flashes of memory of Liana, mixed in with flashes of dreams so at some point he’s not exactly sure where the truth begins.

And that’s why this dream is much better.

_“Your go.”_

_Ezra frowns, surveying the circle etched in the patch of dirt before rolling a marble in. It clunks softly against Eli’s last one, knocking it outside the circle, and he grins widely, looking up. “I got yours!”_

_“Yeah, but look.” The boy glances down as Eli points to where Ezra’s marble rolled just outside of the circle, and Ezra flops onto his back in defeat._

_“You’ve had more practice, and you’re older,” he whines._

_“Fair, I guess.” Eli lays down on the ground next to the boy. “You just need_ more _practice.” The boy groans, covering his face with his hands, and Eli chuckles quietly. “Would you rather study?”_

_“No.”_

_Sighing, Ezra sits back up, picking up another marble as Eli sits up beside him and shoots one into the circle. Ezra watches, fascinated, as it clinks against one of his own but doesn’t manage to push it out. “How’d you do that?”_

_“Magic,” Eli says, only it’s no longer his voice. Ezra turns to see Kanan sitting in his place, the older faerie’s gaze on the marbles. “All magic requires practice.”_

_“I’m not using mine again,” Ezra protests._

_“You still need practice, just in case.” Kanan gets up, the marbles vanishing as he does so, and Ezra reluctantly follows suit. “First: what do you_ feel? _”_

_“I feel—”_

_Empty. Hurt. Vacant._

I feel like nothing at all.

_“I feel tired.”_

_“Good, that’s a start. Now, what can you feel_ around _you?”_

_“I can feel—”_

Something jolts Ezra from his sleep and his eyes snap open. He stays laying down, trying to keep as still as he can at the same time he tries to get a read on what woke him up. But nothing seems out of the ordinary. Just—

Laughter.

He stiffens involuntarily at the sound, eyes searching for a sign of who it belongs to, but there’s no one in his field of vision. Swallowing, he sits up, blinking and turning.

Kanan’s showing Sabine something while they’re both mounted on their respective horses, only Sabine’s _laughing_ at whatever it is he’s showing her.

_She laughs softly as he tries to pull away, instead tightening her grip on his shoulder. “Fighting back is useless, boy.”_

Ezra digs his fingers into the ground, forcing himself to come back. _She doesn’t have you under her thumb anymore. Stop it._

He stands and starts looking for the other members of their group. Zeb’s starting to pack up while Hera peruses a map spread atop a low, flat rock, periodically taking a piece of charcoal to it. Ezra returns his attention to Kanan and Sabine, unable to keep from tracking Sabine and her horse’s movements as he walks to feed his stallion.

The girl laughs again, adjusting something on her saddle. “Like this?”

“Yeah, yeah. There you go. Now, you’re gonna keep it there, and take Breeze across the creek, and on your way back you’ll hang that on the branch over there. See it?” She nods, and Kanan smiles. “Go ahead.”

Sabine whirls Breeze, kissing the mare up into a canter as she sends the mare toward the creek. The mare jumps it easily, and Sabine turns her back around only a few meters past the opposite bank. She grabs a small ring from her saddle and slides it onto a branch just before the mare jumps again, and then slows her to a stop before Kanan and his horse.

“Good, good, yeah. Just like that. Good job.” Sabine grins breathlessly, and Ezra returns his attention to going to his own horse as Kanan starts to critique her technique.

The stallion snorts loudly at his approach and he raises a hand. “Easy,” he says, trying to keep his voice even. The horse is furious at being separated from the mares, he knows, but they don’t want to have to deal with foals while they travel, and rightfully so.

The horse paws repeatedly as Ezra gets his bucket, taking it to the creek to fill it before returning it to the stallion. He unties him from his tree, letting him drink. Ezra lets his mind wander as the horse does so.

He’s been with Kanan’s group for a few weeks now, and he still hasn’t quite figured out what his place is. He makes Kanan uneasy, he knows, and the others pity him. He hasn’t quite figured out the dynamic between the other group members, either—Kanan clearly likes Hera, but he can’t tell if she’s acknowledged that or not. Zeb seems to be pretty laid-back, aside from the occasional instances when the Empire is brought up. Then again, _everyone_ gets on edge when that happens.

And Sabine is a complete mystery.

The girl _acts_ open with the others, but Ezra can tell she’s holding back. And not just from him, either—she’s holding back from the others, too. The fact that she’s Mandalorian doesn’t help him in trying to get a read on her, either. Maybe she has her own fair share of issues, like he does.

 _At least she doesn’t make everyone painfully aware of them though, like_ you _do._

He pushes the thought away. Ezra returns his attention to the stallion, patting his neck as he raises his head from the water bucket. The horse snorts, bumping against Ezra’s back as he ties him back up and returns with the bucket to the main camp to get the grain for him. He feels guilty cutting into their supply, of course, but the kriffing horse _still_ hasn’t left, and at this point he’s starting to think that the only way to make him leave for real will be to sell him.

The tattoo under his tongue, however, prevents that.

All horses owned by the Emperor have one, he knows. Tash did. So did Cal’s horse, Bee. The tattoo prevents them getting stolen and resold, which to be fair, is exactly what he’s trying to do in this situation.

“I’ll find a way to pitch in for his grain at the next town,” he mutters as he approaches Hera and the grain. She barely looks up from her map, now carefully making a line across it.

“He needs a name,” she says, eyes still on her map.

“That assumes I’m keeping him.”

“And you’re not?” She looks up to meet his eyes as he begins to scoop out grain. He drops her gaze in moments.

“I’ll find a way to get rid of him.”

“You can’t sell him?”

“He’s marked,” he says, shaking his head. “He was property of the Emperor.” _Just like you._

“Hmm. That _does_ make it harder.” Hera studies him for a moment, and Ezra gets the feeling she’s studying him beyond just trying to think of a way for him to get rid of the horse. Finally she shrugs, returning her gaze to the map. “Maybe the Rebellion can take him. We can always use more horses. I’d still give him a name first, though. There’s power in names.”

They’ve been silent for several minutes when he replies, voice quiet. “Without one, no one can use it against him.”

“Without one, who are you?”

He doesn’t think they’re talking about his horse anymore.

Ezra scoops the rest of the grain, turning away. “I’ll feed him, and then douse the fire,” he says. “I shouldn’t have slept in. It won’t happen again.”

“It’s okay,” she responds as he’s walking away. “All of us mess up sometimes. The important thing is we still show up and try our best.”

He doesn’t reply this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the thing Sabine and Kanan are doing is loosely based off of a game I played once before I switched barns lol


	4. Null Oath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Victim Self-blaming

Ezra lays back on the stallion, blinking as he stares up at the forest canopy. Zeb shifts in his saddle nearby, and his donkey lets out a quiet snort before returning to stripping the bark from a nearby tree. Ezra’s horse simply stands, likely dozing if the read Ezra’s getting from him is right.

“When will they come back?”

He can feel Zeb’s silent glance on him for a moment before speaking. “Soon, kid. Don’ worry.”

Ezra sighs in reply and falls silent again. He doesn’t want to get recaptured, which is what he knows will happen if he shows up in town with an Imperial uniform on, but he’s going crazy just _sitting here,_ too. It’s impossible.

His mind wanders as he watches a songbird flit through the trees. He honestly never saw himself getting here, being out without supervision, being able to _breathe._

 _You’re not without supervision,_ a voice reminds him. _Zeb’s here because they don’t trust you not to run off._

He closes his eyes in frustration, exhaling silently. _What reason_ would _they have_ _to trust you, anyway? For all they know, you’re still Liana’s little pet, just let out to play for the day._

He should stop thinking like that, he knows. Even if it’s true.

His horse snorts, tossing his head, and Zeb’s mount looks up as well. Ezra forces himself to sit up, following Zeb’s gaze toward the woods. A few seconds later the sound of hoofbeats reaches them.

Kanan breaks through first, Sabine and Hera following. “‘ow was i’?” Zeb calls.

“Good. We got what we needed,” Kanan says, shrugging. He slows Ghost to a walk, stopping her beside Ezra’s stallion and ignoring the mare’s contemptuous snort. “Here, kid.”

Ezra blinks as Kanan passes him a bundle of clothing and a pair of boots.

“Change into those. Keep the uniform as a backup, in case we need it.”

He nods, pulling the tunic out and hesitating. “Can I go– can I go change by myself?”

Kanan blinks. “Why...why wouldn’t you be able to?”

He swallows. _This isn’t Liana. He doesn’t want_ that _from you. He’s with Hera. Stupid, pathetic fool, you should’ve been able to tell that, and_ now _look what you’ve done! Everyone’s staring now._

They are. The others look just as confused as Kanan does, and Ezra swallows. “Uh, yeah. I– I don’t know why I asked….I’ll– I’ll go. Um...okay.”

Face burning, Ezra nudges his stallion’s shoulder to turn him to walk away from the group. He stops him at the edge of the clearing, dismounting and walking further out into the woods.

 _Stupid. Why would you_ ever _think that he would be like her? He hasn’t hurt you._

_Not yet._

He pushes the thought away, changing quickly and slipping the boots on. No socks, but that’s fine. He’s dealt with worse.

He returns to find his stallion trying to edge closer to Breeze before the mare squeals, ears pinned as she kicks a foot out. He snorts, shying away until he catches sight of Ezra and trots over.

 _It’s always the rejects that stick together. You_ need _to, otherwise there’s no reason for you to be here._

_“You and your broken things. It’s no wonder he called you back here.”_

He blinks, vividly remembering her combing through his hair with a hand and murmuring the words, but not remembering any other context. He shoves it away regardless, walking toward Kanan and Ghost and trying to ignore the horse following closely behind.

“Do you have anywhere specific you want me to put this?” he asks, holding up the uniform.

“Yeah, here.” Kanan sets the brush he was using on his mare down, walking to where Zeb and Sabine are starting to unpack. Kanan grabs an empty bag and tosses it to him. “You can keep your stuff in there. Including the uniform. That bag’s yours to keep, too.” Ezra nods in thanks, dropping the clothes in before turning back.

“You, uh, want to work on magic again?”

Ezra hesitates.

In reality, he doesn’t.

But he’s been through enough lectures to know that this is a truth he _can,_ that he _should_ lie about. Swallowing, he nods. “Yeah.”

Kanan cracks a smile, and he lets out a breath he hasn’t realized he was holding as he follows the older faerie to the edge of the clearing. His horse stays behind, for once, though Ghost trails behind them.

“Here, kneel.” Ezra swallows but does so, keeping his mouth shut. He knows better than to complain.

Kanan kneels, too, and that’s when his confusion surges. The man raises a brow.

“If you have a question, Ezra, you can ask.” He hesitates before shaking his head. Kanan holds his gaze for a long moment before shrugging. “Okay, so. We both have mental magic, like we established last time. And you know how to use yours a fair bit. So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you know how to clear your mind to use your magic, to focus on your...target.”

He nods. “I do.”

“And meditation?”

He stares blankly.

Kanan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh...you’re gonna clear your mind again, right? And then...you don’t even _think_ about the target. Just try to think about nothing. Or the most peaceful thing you’ve ever felt.”

Kriff. He doesn’t know. And if he tells Kanan he doesn’t know….

“Uh...okay.”

Swallowing, he tries.

He tries to think of Tash, think of how the gelding would just let him sit in his stall when Kallus and the soldiers got too much, think of how the quiet shuffle of his hooves against the straw grounded him. But he can’t. Or, rather, he can, but immediately after he thinks of all the times Kallus forbade him from seeing his horse, of all the times Kallus had made him wear iron in his boots even while riding, of all the times Kallus reminded him of the fact that Tash was just another pawn, and could be removed from the equation as easily as Ezra himself could.

He wants to scream.

He cracks an eye open to see Kanan staring at him. “It’s okay if you can’t do it. It’s hard. I just thought it’d be easier if we, you know, started with something familiar.”

Ezra shrugs. “It’s fine,” he mumbles. “I just...I can’t. How...how should I make it up?”

“You don’t have to make _anything_ up, kid. Just keep working at it. It’ll come with practice.”

“I can make it up. I– I promise.” They both freeze at that.

“Kid—“ Kanan starts to warn, but Ezra’s already shaking his head.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll do something to make it up. I’ll get better, I’ll do it, or if you want me to do something else I can, just let me know please I want to make up for that I _need_ to make up for that—“

 _“You’re always_ needing _something, pet,” Liana murmurs, gaze tied to his. “It’s just a shame no one will give it to you.”_

“No, kid, you don’t.” Kanan grips his shoulders in an effort to stop his rambling and it does. Ezra freezes, breath catching in his throat. “I release you from your promise,” he says, and Ezra swallows hard.

“But why? I can—“

“Because I don’t want some kid in debt to me. Not over– not over _meditation exercises._ ” Kanan sighs, running a hand over his face. “Take a minute to calm down, kid, then we’ll start again.”

Swallowing hard, Ezra nods. He can do that. He can improve. He _knows_ he can. He’ll make up for his mistake. He _knows_ he will. He doesn’t have any other option.

Swallowing, Ezra tries again.


	5. The Soldiers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt fill for "Secrets" for Found Family Bingo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mild Panic Attack (from a bystander's perspective)

“We got our job!”

Sabine glances up at Hera’s announcement, grinning. She gives Breeze a last pat on the neck as she turns to Hera, tucking the cloth she was rubbing her mare down with into a pocket. Kanan and Zeb join her as she reaches Hera, the three crowding around her as she begins explaining.

“We’ll be going to a town about half a mile south of here, simple supply run. Fulcrum needs us to stock up on some of the harder-to-find apothecary stores.”

Sabine nods. “Makes sense.”

“There’ll be Imps, though, and a lot.”

Zeb mutters a curse and Kanan sighs. Sabine’s mouth twists into a slight frown.

“An’ I’m guessin’ we can't pummel ‘em?”

Hera shakes her head and Zeb sighs, ears flattening. “No. We can’t risk attracting attention. It’ll be just a usual market trip, in and out. Just a couple of us—though she did ask specifically for Ezra.”

Kanan’s brow shoots up. “Any reason why?”

“She wanted us to see how well he actually does out of the camp. An easy job like this would be a good way to evaluate that, I suppose.” Kanan nods in agreement. “Okay, Ezra, so what….”

Hera trails off at the same time Sabine realizes Ezra isn’t with them. Her gaze falls on him only seconds later.

He’s standing awkwardly by his horse— _has he_ still _not named him? he’s just asking for trouble at this point—_ obviously pretending to comb through his forelock with a hand.

He’s apparently incapable of eavesdropping. Great.

“Kid, c’mere,” Kanan says before she can even open her mouth. The kid jumps and twists around before nodding hurriedly and walking over.

“What do you need?”

“The group we work with, they gave us a job. We need to stock up on some supplies, so we’re sending a couple people into town to do it. Would you be willing to be a part of that group?”

He doesn’t hesitate before nodding eagerly, and Hera smiles. “Good. Okay, so you and Kanan and Sabine will….”

Sabine allows her mind to wander as Hera explains, even though she’ll be playing a direct part in this. She’s run jobs like this often enough before that this one is no different, beyond the fact that they’re bringing an unpredictable element into it this time in the form of Ezra. Still, though, the kid’s nice enough, if a bit weird. He should be able to handle a supply trip like this fine.

* * *

Kanan’s busy debating with Sabine over the use of getting betony _and_ feverfew rather than just the latter when he feels it. A strong shift in motives.

He takes a step back toward the door. “Just get what was on the list,” he says as Sabine opens her mouth to argue. “I should be right back.”

He turns, and exits the small shop. Kanan swears under his breath when he doesn’t see Ezra right off the bat. There’s a million Imps here. What does he think he’s doing?!

He continues to scan the street, gaze finally catching on the kid. The teen is trying to stay on the edges of the crowd until he reaches a street corner, and then he...disappears?

Frowning to himself, Kanan sets off after him. The kid was supposed to be on watch for him and Sabine right now, not running off to hide in an alley somewhere! He shakes his head, sighing in frustration, and reaches the alley.

The boy is huddled at the far end, legs drawn up to his chest with his head buried in them, as if trying to make himself as small as possible. As Kanan creeps closer, Ezra’s motives hit him like a shockwave.

_Hide hide can’t go back hide from her don’t let her see you don’t—_

“Kid.”

He lets out a shuddering gasp, pulling his knees tighter. Kanan frowns.

“Ezra, it’s me.”

The kid remains still for a moment before slowly raising his head and uncurling from the ball he’s wound himself into. “I- I didn’t mean to leave my post—”

Kanan holds up a hand. “It’s okay. I just need you to come back with me, though. There’s Imps here. We’ve gotta stick together.”

Ezra hesitates before nodding, using the wall to brace himself as he stands. He trails after Kanan as they rejoin the crowded market streets, heading back to the apothecary. Sabine exits as they watch, and Kanan offers her a smile and raises a hand. She catches sight of them and nods to a small paper bag in her hand.

“Got ‘em,” she calls as they draw closer. Kanan nods.

“Good. Alright, ready to go?”

She nods, but a quick glance at Ezra reveals the boy is distracted, gaze drawn to something far into the crowd that has him frozen in place. Kanan frowns. “Kid, you good?”

“We need to go,” he says, voice so quiet Kanan has to strain to hear. “ _Now._ ”

He exchanges a worried glance with Sabine before nodding. “Okay. Here, we can go this way.”

He leads their group the opposite direction of whatever Ezra was staring at, and as they get farther, the boy seems to relax more and more. He’s still on edge, though, still jumping whenever someone brushes past a little too close for comfort.

The crowd starts to thin out as they reach the edge of the market sector, and Kanan finds himself relaxing, too. Now, they can just go meet up with everyone else and—

Another shockwave from Ezra fills his mind. _She’s here oh kriff she’s here and she has Tash need to get to him need to get away need—_

“Ezra, stay with me,” Kanan says in a low voice as he fights his way out of the whirlpool of emotions. Ezra nods hesitantly.

“Kanan, there’s Imps up here,” Sabine murmurs.

“Any other way out?”

“We can go out the side street.”

Kanan is silent for a moment as he considers their options. Finally, he nods.

“Side street it is.”

They pass dangerously close to the group of mounted soldiers as they head for the side street. What unnerves Kanan the most, however, is that one of the soldiers is holding an unarmored, riderless pony with a bored expression.

And, of course, the armored woman atop a dark bay courser, scanning the crowd ahead of their group.

Ezra shoots a nervous glance toward the group of soldiers and freezes, breath catching. He tenses, as if to run.

“We can’t stop here,” Kanan murmurs. “We need to keep going. And if you run, they’ll single you out.”

He hesitates before relaxing just enough to walk again, though his breathing is still uneven.

It doesn’t level out even after they’ve returned to the camp, with Ezra going off alone and his stallion trailing after him. Kanan finds him an hour later, sitting on a rock on the creek bank with his knees drawn up to his chest. The stallion grazes nearby, and as Kanan approaches, he can barely make out the kid’s muffled sobs.

He clears his throat as he gets within a few feet of the kid, and Ezra tenses. He doesn’t do much else, though, so Kanan takes it as an opinion of neutrality as to sitting beside him. He does, keeping the silence unbroken for a few moments more.

“You okay?”

The kid hesitates before shrugging, gaze fixed on the creek even as Kanan shoots him a worried glance.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong, at least? Why you were so...so upset earlier?”

“It was nothing,” he mutters.

“I don’t think it was nothing.”

Ezra stays quiet, still staring at the water and refusing to look at Kanan. Tentatively, he reaches out to feel the boy’s motives, only to find that they’re the same as they were in the town. Just...more subdued, somehow.

“Can I do anything to help?” Ezra shakes his head and Kanan sighs. “Okay. If you need me though, kid, I’ll be with the others. Okay?”

Ezra nods and Kanan rises, moving to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze before thinking better of it. He heads back to the camp in silence, mind still puzzling over why some soldiers could have freaked Ezra out so much.


End file.
